Title : Don't Cry
Word count : 1,305 words
Genres : Fluff, oneshot, fanfic, SHINee, shipping, JongYu.
"Jamoooong," Cooed Jinki, entering their dorm room with his luggage. He had just returned from the jungles of Borneo after filming for the variety show Laws Of The Jungle. He was expecting the familiar yet foreign warmth of the well-lit room and a "Hyung, welcome back" but alas! He was greeted by a whiff of darkness and gloom. Jinki fumbled around in the darkness for the switchboard and switched on the light and the heater, and was taken aback by what he saw.
Jonghyun was sitting on his bed, facing the wall, knees pulled up to his chin, eyes swollen, hair messy. His bed was in no better a condition. The sheets were angrily strewn across the bed and his pillow was folded in half.
A million questions blazed through Jinki's mind which he tried to organise. He kept his bags in the cupboard and approached Jonghyun.
Standing beside his bed, Jinki attempted to talk. "Jonghyun, what's wrong?"
"Jonghyun I can help-" , he said, as he was about to pat his back, but was abruptly cut off as Jonghyun smacked his hand away.
"Go away! I don't need your kind words!" Jonghyun exclaimed as he buried his face in his knees.
Jinki sighed. He moved across to his bed and plopped down on the comfy mattresses. Looking up at the ceiling, Jinki started speaking. "You know Jong? It was fun in Malaysia. I hurt myself quite a few times though, because I kept falling every now and then. Hahahaha! But it was goooood. ...."
Jinki paused, looking at the younger male.
"Nae Jonghyun, why are you angry? Or are you sad? Did I do something wrong? Atleast you could've said a 'welcome back' to your hyung. I'm not that bad, am I? I thought I told you that you could always talk to me if something is bothering you. Nae Jonghyun. ..."
Jinki paused again as his ears sensed a faint sound.
He looked at Jonghyun. His shoulders hitched up in throes, as his sniffles started getting louder. Jinki knew what he had to do. He took off his jacket and flung it across his bed. He got up and walked across to Jonghyun's bed once again and climbed onto it, resting his back on the headboard and spreading his legs wide.
"Hyung I said go away."
"Hyung doesn't take orders from his dongsaeng.... Come here Jonghyun," Jinki said, gesturing to the space between his legs. Jonghyun turned away from the wall, making eye contact with Jinki for the first time since he arrived.
"No," Growled Jonghyun, trembling.
Jinki didn't say a word. He moved forward, grabbed Jonghyun firmly by his hand and made him sit in between his spread out legs. Jonghyun kept resisting his hold, which got worse as Jinki put his arms around Jonghyun's waist and pulled him to his chest. Jonghyun squirmed and protested.
"Let go of me!"
"No", replied Jinki , tightening his clasp.
"LET ME GO!"
"Stop shouting for God's sake and TELL me what's wrong!!" Said Jinki, raising his voice.
Jonghyun seemed stunned for a moment, as his body went stiff, but then he gave up. He stopped writhing and limply put his head on Jinki's propped up chest, and shifted slightly sideways. His hands were across his chest, as if in an attempt to hold himself together. Jinki lightened his grasp on Jonghyun and sighed in relief that atleast he had stopped resisting. But the job was far from over. He still had to get Jonghyun to speak up about his problems. Jinki started stroking Jonghyun's back, trying to comfort and reassure him. Jonghyun kept silent.
"You know Jonghyun? This was my mother's way of comforting me whenever I would be sad... I used to be sad very often back then but nobody would ever know... But then you guys came along... Hmm.. Jonghyun, please tell me what's going on in your mind. I can help I swear. Hyung loves you, everybody loves you and we can help. All you have to do is let us-", Jinki stopped.
He heard the sound of the Jonghyun's soft sobbing. He knew all about how he wore his heart on his sleeve. The imaginary wall which Jonghyun had put up around him had finally been broken. He pulled Jonghyun closer to him, and stroked his head. Jonghyun didn't want to resist anymore. By this time, he had made a full crying mess of himself. He clutched Jinki's shirt with both hands and sobbed painfully hard. Jinki rubbed circles up and down his back, as he crooned. Every kind word which he said made Jonghyun cry even more, making Jinki wonder how long had it been since somebody had really loved this boy.
"Jonghyun... Hush now... It's okay, it's okay..." he said, stroking his head. "You know Jonghyun? My mum used to stroke my forehead too when I used to cry, it used to make me feel really loved. Does it make you feel the same way? Because I love you too..." Trailed off Jinki as Jonghyun cried harder. Every kind word of care, affection and love made him cry. "It's okay Jong... Cry as much as you want.. It'll lighten the load on your chest," said Jinki in a soft loving voice, blowing lightly on his hair, one arm still across Jonghyun's waist as Jonghyun lay propped face down on Jinki's chest. A few minutes of silence passed, interspersed with Jonghyun's unrhythmic sniffling, before he quietened down a bit. Jonghyun looked sheepishly at Jinki, eyes puffy and bloodshot from all the crying.
"Do you feel lighter, Jonghyun-ah?" Asked Jinki, wiping his tears with one of his hands.
"I'm sorry hyung. I'm such an ungrateful wretch.. I'm sorry. .. Please don't be angry."
"Stupid Jamong," Said Jinki with a smile,"Who said I'm angry?"
"Nobody loves me hyung. Nobody cares. I'm just.. I've had enough of everybody's crap..." Muttered Jonghyun, burying his face in Jinki's shirt as he grit his teeth in frustration.
Jinki noticed how Jonghyun had evaded his question two times.
"Oh Jonghyun-ah... Don't cry anymore okay... you've ruined my favourite shirt which Kibum gifted me. Who's gonna handle him now?" He heard Jonghyun's muffled weak chuckle.
"There now! That's my puppy!" Said Jinki, with a renewed brightness in his voice, smoothening out Jonghyun's untidy hair. He took Jonghyun's hands in his and put it around his own waist, glad that he didn't squirm again. Instead, he clasped his hands tightly, around him, making Jinki smile. Jinki raised Jonghyun's head with a finger, looking straight into his eyes.
"Don't ever say that nobody cares for you or nobody loves you. It hurts me more than you can imagine. Hyung loves you and don't you ever doubt that okay? Don't cry, please," said Jinki with utmost sincerity. Jonghyun nodded as he rested his head on Jinki again. Jinki proceeded to talk about his trip to Malaysia to divert Jonghyun's mind to something pleasant, earning a few monosyllabic responses from Jonghyun. Jinki ran his fingers through Jonghyun's hair to let him know that he was loved, and talked about random stuff, mostly to himself. It wasn't long before he realised that Jonghyun had finally fallen asleep from exhaustion.
Jinki let out a sigh of relief. He glanced at the clock.
"Guess I'll sleep early today," Said Jinki to himself, extremely relieved that they had no schedule the next day. Without waking Jonghyun up, he carefully twisted his body to get hold of the blanket on his bed and covered themselves with it. Jonghyun snuggled even closer to him. Before going off to sleep, he brushed the hair off Jonghyun's head and kissed his forehead ever so softly, wishing him a good night, as he closed his eyes and drifted off to the land of dreams.
Author's note :
Sadness. Sadness almost bordering on depression. This oneshot, at face value, seems to be a really cute story about Jinki loving Jonghyun ( IT IS OF COURSE ) but it has a bit of a sad story behind. A bit personal, if you may.
As per the Saint Martin's University, following are the typical Symptoms ( YAGEUN NEO BAKKE EOBSEOOOO~~) of clinical depression :-
- Persistent sad, empty, or anxious mood
- Loss of interest in ordinary activities, including sex
- Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling slowed down
- Sleep disturbances like insomnia, early morning waking, or oversleeping
- Eating disturbances like loss of appetite and weight, or weight gain
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
- Feeling of guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness
- Excessive crying
- Chronic physical pain and aches that don't respond to treatment
- Thoughts of death or suicide, or history of suicide attempts;
- Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism
If these symptoms persist on a regular daily basis with increasing intensity, and is prolonged for more than two weeks, without help or intervention, it begins to interfere with our daily lives. It begins to affect the general ability to function. For students, this may mean affecting academic performance, social and relational life, as well as general emotional well being. This condition, if left untreated, becomes clinical depression."
This story is born out of my own sadness, if I may put it in that way. I am quite sure there are many cases like me, who are bordering on the fringe of sadness and depression. In the middle. Not this, not that. There have been too many times when I have just lost hope of everything and tried to find a suitable way to end my journey, and I regret not going to a Psychologist when I am in desperate need of some counselling. This sinking feeling. It has been going on for too long. And at times it gets unbearable. There are times when I feel a bit happy, but that's really rare. However, even through all of this, there is this certain person whom I've come across last to last year, a person whom I call "Hyung" even though she's a girl, a person who is never there physically but provides tremendous amount of mental support, a person who has sent me countless voice mails and video messages just to make me smile and see me happy, I love you and I am tearing up while writing and I'm not lying. You're the comforting Jinki to my depressed Jonghyun ( PLEASE DO NOT DOUBT MY STRAIGHTNESS OK XD). You'll know who you are if you ever read this. Life's hell, but all is well, and I owe a lot to you. I'm never gonna be able to repay you for this. All I can give you is my love for now. Saranghae.